forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
