I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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