dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she peed on how many people?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize