Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
