You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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