i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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