My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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