i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
