I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
