At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
