he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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