so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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