what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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