I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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