oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
