what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
