you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
