she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
