nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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