you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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