when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
