Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i will never coherently bang her
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We were destined to go to rehab together
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
