it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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