your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
