mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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