I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
