is your mom at the bar?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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