and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
