Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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