hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
