Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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