can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I got inside last night via doggy door
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
