saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
