swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Watching her eat just hurts me
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
