if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
