There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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