Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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