All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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