Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
