hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
