Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
