upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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