They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
