It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
