I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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