Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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