Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
