NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
