I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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