gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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