The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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