Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
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He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
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Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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