I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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