sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
