just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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