when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
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he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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