don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I lost the right to judge tonight
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
