My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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