I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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