i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just forgot I was standing up.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
