this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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