It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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