i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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