she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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