the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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