Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The best revenge is premature balding
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
