im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
